As Christmas approaches thoughts often turn to family and those less fortunate than ourselves. This year my aged aunt of 89 had a bad fall and has since been bed-ridden, a challenging fate for a mentally active and well-travelled widow. Her daughter has done a valiant job of looking after her through this difficult year despite her own family and job commitments. Unfortunately, last month my aunt managed to fall out of her specially designed hospital grade bed in the night, which caused additional damage to her hip. The reason for recounting this story is to highlight the reactions of others on hearing of this event. A number of her daughters ‘friends’ were quick to offer the solution which was ‘You should put the sidebar up’. Now, while well intentioned as a problem solution, one might question the value of such a suggestion. Do we imagine that this thought had not actually occurred to her fifty something graduate daughter with two children following the fall? This being the case the comment only added to her feelings of failure and regret.
We are all in danger of this solutionism, that we contribute with good intentions but fail to consider the value of the suggestion to the recipient. As a coach my approach was slightly different in asking ‘What stopped you putting the bar up?’ This was met with a highly rational argument about her mother needing to change position during the night and often sitting on the edge of the bed to reduce the potential for bed sores. This rationalization gave her strength in knowing she had not failed her mother. Sometimes it can be a simple change to wording that can alter the meaning and the impact of our communication. Think about how many times you might lapse into solving a problem for someone that they do not need solving and how you might change your wording to help them.
Where do you tend to go into ‘solution’ mode?
Where might your ‘solutions’ make the receiver feel worse rather than better?
How can you turn your ‘solution’ into an open question without using ‘Why’?
We are all in danger of this solutionism, that we contribute with good intentions but fail to consider the value of the suggestion to the recipient. As a coach my approach was slightly different in asking ‘What stopped you putting the bar up?’ This was met with a highly rational argument about her mother needing to change position during the night and often sitting on the edge of the bed to reduce the potential for bed sores. This rationalization gave her strength in knowing she had not failed her mother. Sometimes it can be a simple change to wording that can alter the meaning and the impact of our communication. Think about how many times you might lapse into solving a problem for someone that they do not need solving and how you might change your wording to help them.
Where do you tend to go into ‘solution’ mode?
Where might your ‘solutions’ make the receiver feel worse rather than better?
How can you turn your ‘solution’ into an open question without using ‘Why’?
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